Uncle Matt’s wife Aunty Joan had many sayings that can come in handy. Here are a few from her son Brent that Melanie thought we should pop here so we don’t forget them.

• I hope the end’s quick when it comes

• Another blasted birthday

• I’m living on my nerves

• Oh, I don’t want any fuss

• I’m still getting over the shock of (insert name)’s outfit

• I’m just trying to keep body and soul together

• It will either be good news .. or bad .. but we’re hoping for good

• Oh, don’t bother me with it

• I’m all at sixes and sevens

• I could just scream, but I know if I started I’d never stop I

• ’m at screaming point

• My mind’s made up, I’m refusing all treatment

• I’m just waiting to see what way he’s going to jump (father)

• I feel like I’m walking on egg shells the whole time (living with father)

• He can get very nasty very quickly (father)

• He just went up like a rocket (father)

• I could just walk to the nearest bit of water (response - don’t walk, I will drive you)

• All my lovely family are dead

• It’s the not knowing that’s the worst

• I think he might be …… you know (said in hushed tones, referring to someone who may be gay)

• It just worries the soul case out of me

• Who’s been killed now …….. oh, don’t shock me!

• I've got my summer feet! (itchy)

• I've never felt so dowdy in my life.

• He'd take wheat from a blind hen.

• I'm as weak as a kitten.

Do you have problems getting your decorations onto your tree (this is a big issue for people like me who love real trees)? The solution to this problem is tree hooks. I seem to have to buy new packets every year, but they are amazing for making decorating your tree much easier. You can buy fancy ones or get 50 hooks for $3 at The Warehouse. You’re welcome.

Anyone who knows me, knows I LOVE holidays. As much as the holiday itself I also enjoy the planning. Here are a few of my tips to make sure your next holiday is top notch.

• If I need flights I usually book these first. If you’re a bit more flexible check the accommodation before you book. Sometimes going different days means the place you want to stay might be available/cheaper at another time.

• If you’ve seen a great flight deal, but you have to check with your other half/mates that the dates suit – you can hold airfares on Air NZ for 3 days by paying $10.

• If you don’t have children at school then check when the school holidays are. You DO NOT want to be in Wanaka during the July school holidays if you don’t have to be there.

• I live in fear of a bad meal (or worse having to cook) when I’m on holiday so I do all my restaurant bookings before I go. It doesn’t mean you have to use them all, but if you’re travelling in Wanaka/Queenstown in the school holidays with a group of 12 you will have no luck getting a last minute booking. Book in advance and then cancel any bookings you don’t need at least 24 hours before the reservation.

• In order to work out where to book or eat I do a bit of desk top research first. For NZ I like to look at:

  • The Denizen travel reviews. They have guides on lots of places in NZ and are usually pretty up to date.

  • Urban List is also worth a look for some restaurants and things to do.

  • I don’t use Trip Advisor. The ratings are too easily manipulated and it’s too hard to work out what is your bag.

  • I’ll also do a Google of “Best restaurants in …” and see what comes up. Sometimes there is a good Herald or other travel article.

• As we’re a family of five Airbnb, Holiday Houses and Book a Bach are great – it’s fantastic to be in an actual house and have some room to chill out. I’ll usually look at them all as some places don’t list on every site. I like to be in walking distance to town as a rule, but everyone has their own likes and dislikes. One thing I really like on the Airbnb website is you can search for the number of beds – trust me that no family of five is going to have a great break with only three beds even if the house says it can sleep 6.

• Once you’ve found a house you like copy the first couple of sentences of text and put it into Google. Sometimes people have their own website or the rates vary due to service fees – this is a good way to find the cheapest place to book a house as most people reuse the same description on every site. It’s also worth checking the reviews to check it’s as good as it looks.

• I am also a fan of Booking.com. Whilst they specialise in hotels they also have a good selection of apartments and holiday houses. The other advantage of Booking.com is that quite often you can book with an option to cancel at no charge up to a set date. Very handy for the holiday planning phase.

• Next up – do you need a rental car? I have used Rentalcars.com, but currently I have a great corporate discount code with Budget that I use to get discounts on car rentals. It’s worth checking if your work or an organisation you belong to (the AA) has a discount code you can use for car rentals.

• Finally there are the activities. If you want to do something popular on your trip then you might need to book in advance (the Onsen Hot Pools at Queenstown comes into this list). If you want to do a last minute activity then quite often you can get a good deal a few days out from bookme.co.nz.

• Your final problem will be keeping track of everything that you’ve booked. I recommend TripIt. You just foward all your confirmation emails to plans@tripit.com and they make you an itinerary. How cool is that?

Hope these tips help and happy holidays!

I am making Beef Bourguignon - what else is there to do when you are sick to death of Woop. This will make up half a dozen meals for me to go in the freezer.

I am trying a new recipe - Annabel of course - and this one is cooked on the stove top rather than the oven so my apartment will smell delicious all afternoon. However it does need stirring quite often so where to put the spoon - see below:

Going Flatting:

This is going to be an on-going saga as we think of vital pieces of unsolicited advice on going flatting. We will add to it as things come to mind.

I will start the ball rolling with one of the most important pieces of advice - for your first flat do not go flatting with a friend as they certainly won’t be by the end of the year.

Until you actually live in the same house as someone you don’t either know or learn what awful little habits they have that absolutely drive you spare.

I am sure that all the Auckland people are very over doing intensive care on their houses however this really works and will bring you joy.

Andrea was sitting at my coffee table a few weeks ago - you know, when we still had a life - when she commented on the nasty watermark. I hadn’t realised that the bottom of a plant pot was porous and had put it straight on to the table and it had slowly seeped into the wood.

It had happened ages ago and had really upset me so I had put a large china tray on the spot and the plants now lived on that.

However, I had had people in for drinks and so had moved my small forest of greenery into the bedroom and hadn’t got around to putting it back.

Andrea decided that she would try out a method of removing watermarks that she had read about. I had already tried the cut walnut and bit of carefully applied nugget - it was a dark table so, rather reluctantly, I allowed her to give it a try.

She got a thin tea towel and the iron, set the iron on medium (not steam) and ironed the spot - it was like a miracle - the white patch (it was quite large) totally disappeared. We then tried a faint cup mark and that went too.

Now this is an all care and no responsibility hint but it has certainly worked for us.

As regular readers will know during the first lockdown last year Helen went into full mask production. This resulted in a terrible accident one day when I left my bathrobe near Helen’s sewing set up. Next minute she had chopped up my bathrobe and turned it into a mask! Obviously I was rather horrified, but to be fair she did buy me a new robe (and matching nightie) for Christmas.

Anyway, during this frenzy of mask sewing we did try out quite a few patterns at the time our favourite ended up being this one. However Melanie (our most regular mask wearer to date) prefers the ones that Helen makes based on a disposable mask - much more comfortable for wearing all day and easier to talk in. Given we’re all going to be wearing masks now I’ve made some instructions for you. There are photos at the bottom and I sewed using red thread so you can see what I did.

How to make a comfortable mask

1. If you happen to have a disposable mask then gently deconstruct it. Snip the top and take out the wire, clip the elastic off and unstick the folds.

2. Cut a piece of fabric 32cm long and 20cm wide. If it’s patterned the longer piece will run up your face if that makes sense.

3. Iron the fabric in half wrong sides out and sew it together across the bottom with a 1cm seam allowance (this is usually the first mark out from your sewing machine foot).

4. Turn the fabric tube you’ve now made so the right side faces out and iron it so the seam is at the bottom.

5. Sew a line across the top of your mask (the end without the seam) one sewing machine foot wide. Push the wire from your mask or some gardening wire into this. It doesn’t have to be as thick as you might think - the ones inside the disposable masks are like bread bag ties if you remember those.

6. Now you need to make the folds in your mask. If you have a disposable mask unfold it and use this as a guide to mark on each side of the mask where to make the folds. Otherwise make marks for the folds at 4cm, 5cm, 7cm, 8cm, 10cm and 11cm from the top of the mask. The folds shouldn’t overlap with each other and should fold down from the top of the mask. Iron and pin the folds.

7. Sew down each side of the mask to hold the folds in place.

8. You have two options to finish the sides of your mask. Helen just zig zags down each side. I cut a piece of fabric 4cm wide and longer than the side of the mask. Fold this in half and then fold the sides in to create some binding. Fold the raw top end in and pin it down the side of the mask and fold the bottom edge in too. Stitch on the outer edge of the binding.

9. Time to attach the elastic. Reusing disposable mask elastic is excellent. Soft hair ties are very comfortable too. Otherwise two 15cm pieces of elastic (you may need to play with these lengths for larger heads). Attach to the top corners fo the mask. Finished!

Deconstruct a disposable mask

If you have one remove the wire, elastic and unfold your mask to use as a template.

First seam

Photo taken after instruction 3 showing seam at bottom of mask (inside out).

Right sides out

Taken after instruction 4 showing ironed mask ready for pleats.

Marking the folds

Instruction 6 - showing how to use a disposable mask to mark where to put your folds in.

Folds done

How your mask should look with the folds from the side.

Inserting the wire

Instruction 5 - I did this out of order, but showing the channel you sewed in section 5 with the wire being insterted.

Fancier finishing

Option tape finish for the side of your mask. See instruction 8.

Sewing the tape

I use this foot to get a nice straight line for instruciton 8.

Elastic attached

Finished mask.

Helen’s Version

I found a wonderful article on this but Claudia says I have to give you my version. She has a horrifed memory of a story I told about my poor sister Marian thinking that the three day old fried egg sandwich that I had left on the kitchen bench (I was tidying my room) was her school lunch… I blame my mother - who would give a fried egg sandwich to a child but she said she didn’t want to see it go to waste.

Anyway send child into room with a rubbish bag and a laundry basket. (Terrible egg sandwich problem would not have happened if I had been given a rubbish bag)

Tell the child to pick up every single thing on the floor and any other surface and put on the bed.

Vaccumn the floor and dust all surfaces.

Sort the stuff on the bed - rubbish in rubbish bag, dirty laundry in laundry basket, clean laundry into drawers, everything else put in proper place and make bed.

Done - yeah right!

Andrea’s Version

Having read Helen’s tips above I am most definetely thinking - yeah right! I know for a fact this doesn’t work. Here is my technique for getting a clean bedroom.

1. Ask child to clean their room by x time. Warn them that if this doesn’t happen a black rubbish bag clean up is coming.

2. If it is not cleaned go into the room. Pick up all dirty washing and put in the wash. Put everything else that is not in it’s rightful place in a black rubbish bag.

3. When child come’s yelling “where is my hockey uniform, clean undies, homework, etc.” tell them that it is in the rubbish bag. It can be retrieved by doing a small job of your choosing.

Job done.

There are times when it is not physcially possible to go to a funeral - particularly at the moment. Also, a letter is always appreciated as on the day of a funeral the bereaved person is generally in a bit of a daze and really doesn’t retain who was or wasn’t there whereas a letter is something to read and appreciate at a later date

It is often hard to think what to write - particularly if you don’t know the person who has died very well and after all you are writing it for the person left behind.

Therefore after the initial paragraph offering my condolences in the next paragraph I say something about my personal connection to them.

For example: When I think of X I always remember that hiliarious joke he told at your dinner party last April. It still makes me smile. He had such a wonderful sense of humour. (We are assuming here that the joke was neither sexist or racist!)

Or: I loved the way that X always complimented me on my appearance when we met….

Or: X was such a wonderful grandmother - she obviously loved her grandchildren very much and I know how much they will miss her. I remember meeting her at the zoo with them one day and they were obviously having the best time and she had just bought them all enormous icecreams.

Finish up the letter by NOT saying: Let me know if there is anything I can do.

Instead offer something that you can do for them. For instance - I will pop over soon with a couple of frozen meals for you. Or, would you like me to come over and mow your lawn for you next week - think of something you can do for the person if they live in the same area and then just finish up with ‘Once again, please accept my sincere sympathy and know that I am thinking of you at this sad tiime’ - or words to that effect.

Finally, make sure you put your address on the back of the envelope (or the card) as it makes it so much easier for someone if they are sending out memorial cards.

Here is a photo of Uncle Matt, Helen’s uncle who many of you will have heard stories about. On the day of his funeral Lucy, aged 5, asked if he was going to be BBQ’d or grounded. This cheered us up enormously, but we don’t recommend asking this in your condolence card.

Postscript: Melanie also says that at Uncle Matt’s funeral Max leaned towards her and confidingly whispered “I know where the body is. It’s in THAT BOX”.

How to do things that you don’t enjoy doing e.g. housework or study:

I call this the ‘ten minute on, ten minute off’ method. It does need a good book or a good television programme to be truly successful.

Despite the fact that we are in lockdown and I have nothing to do except walk the granddog I just can’t seem to get into gear and do all those things that I did last lockdown. The apartment was a bit of a tip but - I had a good book!

Set the timer for ten minutes and get on with the vacuuming, dusting, ironing, dishes or what is most in need of doing. As soon as the timer goes off, reset it and go and read your book or watch TV for ten minutes. When the timer goes off again, back to the housework. This really works as basically your mind knows their is a little treat in store for you ….

However, if you are using this for study, and again this really worked for me when I decided to do a degree in my 40’s - don’t ask me why - set the timer for half an hour and then just take ten minutes off before resetting for another half hour battle.

An expensive clothing purchase - every time you wear it it halves in price. We all have the odd almost full price object hanging in our wardrobe but I have a blue velvet Carla Zampatti outfit that is as old as my oldest granddaughter - 18. These days it probably only gets an outing once a year to the Opera Dinner but it owes me nothing! I also have a pair of Armani trousers - at least 15 years old and they are still full price. Helen

What do you do when someone tells you a sexist or racist joke - you pretend not to understand it and ask them to ‘please explain’. That fixes them. Helen

Andrea was stopped by the police one night when she was 17. They asked to look in the boot of her car, but there were only two ball frocks in it. This has remined me however that some advice on dealing with the police might be useful. I found this advice on Consumer NZ and think it is excellent.

If you are stopped by the police

Ask why you were stopped, and whether you are under arrest. If you are not, and you do not wish to speak to the police, you have the right to walk away. But ...

If you are driving a car, or carrying a firearm, or suspected of having committed an offence, you have to give the police your name, address and date of birth. If you refuse, you can be arrested.

Plain-clothes officers must show police identification on request.

If you are arrested

Don't struggle. If they have made a mistake, get a lawyer to sort it out later. Resisting arrest is an offence and can lead to a violent confrontation and serious consequences in court.

As soon as the police arrest you, they must inform you:

• That you are not obliged to say anything, and anything you do say may be given in evidence.

• That you have the right to consult a lawyer in private and without delay.

• The reason for your arrest.

If you are under 17, the police are required to take you home, or contact your parents/caregiver to advise them of your situation. Obviously the circumstances may dictate what happens next. For example, if both parents are working, it may make more sense for one of them to come to the police station.

If you don't want to go home, the police will contact Child, Youth and Family Services (CYFS). If it's the middle of the night, they may have to take you to a police station while they make arrangements with CYFS.

When you get to the station

The police must supply a contact list of experienced lawyers (paid for by the state) who are available 24 hours a day, and a telephone where you can talk to one of those lawyers in private and without delay.

If you are under 17, the police cannot interview you on your own. A parent or other adult support person (in addition to a lawyer, if you want one) must be present.

It is standard practice for police to search people they arrest, to discover if they have concealed weapons or evidence (such as drugs) on them.

If you haven't been arrested, they usually need your consent or a search warrant. But some laws, including the Misuse of Drugs Act, give police the right to search you if they have reasonable grounds to believe you have committed an offence under that Act.

Fingerprints and photographs

These will be taken after you're arrested. If you are later convicted of the offence, or diverted, these will be kept on file forever. If you are acquitted, or the charges are withdrawn, they must be destroyed.

When the police have finished with you

After this you may be allowed to leave the station (bailed), and will be given a piece of paper with the date on which you must appear in court. You will not have to pay money or "post bail" as in the US.

Making a complaint

If you want to complain about the way you have been treated, try to note the relevant officer's number (on their shoulders) and ask (politely) for their name.

If you were injured, get photographs taken and see a doctor, and ask for a copy of their report.

You can ask for advice on how to complain from a community law centre or the Independent Police Conduct Authority.

Looking like this it was no wonder Andrea was stopped.

I love my Alexa - I can’t spell so when writing an email I just say - how do I spell ‘restaurant’ (yes I had to ask her, I have a mental block about that word). 

When you live in an apartment you never know what the weather is outside so you just ask Alexa what the temperature is before venturing out to golf.
Play the news I say - she does.

Play Queen, or Mozart, or any song I happen to want to hear - and she does.

Put butter on my shopping list - and she does and whats more she puts it on my phone as well so when I get to the supermarket there is my list.

What is the time - at 3 in the morning so much easier to mutter that than to look at my watch and if I can’t get back to sleep I just say - play Radio New Zealand and she does.

Remind me to ring Claudia and wish her Happy Birthday… dentist appointment 10 September at 10.30 a.m.

Set the timer for 10 minutes.

And most important of all when I can’t find my phone I can ask her to ring it. Vital when you live alone and have no-one else to do this for you! Need I go on. There are all sorts of things she does but these are my basics.

I remember being told by Andrea that when she hosted her first dinner party and after her guests had been there sipping their drinks for a while one of them said - are we going out? Andrea had followed my dinner party advice. Instead of spending the evening in the kitchen and missing all the good gossip she was prepared and able to enjoy her party - well as much as you enjoy any party you are hosting.

The secret to no stress entertaining is lots of pre-preparation. Sort your menu a couple of days before and do all your shopping. I always set the table, clean the silver, sort the wine glasses the day before -actually sometime 2 days before! That saves time and also energy on the day.

A set table ready for action.

Pick a menu that is mainly done the day before or can be prepared on the day. I will give a couple of examples at the end.

Right a time sheet - you mightn’t keep to it but it will remind you to put the oven on!

I prefer not to serve nibbles with the drinks as then people have no appetite for my delicious dinner!

Maybe start off with something that only needs to be handed around for an entree as it is often better than sitting down at the table at this point as you have the chance to talk to everyone, not just the person next to you.

For the main course have a dish that is already in the oven or oven ready. Serve it with a fancy salad as that only needs to be dressed at the last minute.

For dessert you serve something like Chocolate Mousse (see recipe section) that has also been prepared the day before.

Have your wines and sparkling water sorted and chilled (if necessary) - I have a large wine cooler that I fill with ice and put the beer, wine and water in which also means people can help themselves - single lady entertaining tip. I also designate a male guest as the drinks person - they love it!

Here are some suggested menu items:

Google them and you will find the recipes.

Pea and Pesto soup (Nigella Lawson) - I serve this in little china cups and people sip them while still having arrival drinks.

Or maybe French Onion Soup (at the table of course) - see recipes.

For the main course, Annabel Langbein’s Salmon stuffed with pinenuts and herbs is an excellent choice as it is ready to pop in the oven for 8 minutes and looks amazing. As you are not putting it in the oven until you are serving the entree it means that if things run late you are not worrying that the main is overcooked. I find that if you pick larger pieces of salmon from the supermarket and cut them in half that is quite sufficient as salmon is rich and you don’t need a large portion.

Serve it with Ottolenghi’s baby spinach salad with dates and almonds.

Or you could make Chicken Cacciatore or ‘Bites' Roast chicken legs with olives, garlic and lemon. Andrea hates this dish but I love the fact I can have it marinating the day before and just pop in the oven for 45 minutes. I add a bag of tiny potatos to the tray as it makes it more substantial and also tend to use just thighs.

If you are not a chocolate mousse fan there are lots of desserts you can make or just serve a good icecream with raspberries or strawberries …..

I recommend Annabel Langbein’s ‘Cooking to impress without stress’ book. It was published in 2003 but you might find a copy.

I am always happy to offer ‘unsolicited advice’ - just ring me.

Life is not fair. Helen

If there is something wrong with your food in a restaurant just put your knife and fork down without eating any more and catch the eye of the waiter or wait for the uneaten plate to be cleared and you will hopefully be asked what the problem is then. However, if the food is cold attract the waiters attention immediately. They are often glad to know before the mistake is repeated. For example, one night at Whites my entree fish cakes were so salty that they were inedible. The maitre d’ came over and thanked me after checking in the kitchen and finding that the whole mix had been double salted. He said he much preferred to be told at the time so he could fix the problem rather than reading a bad review on social media the next day.

If you don’t complain at the time and eat it all up well it is no use complaining afterwards. If nothing is done to correct the fault - new plate, extra glass of wine, apology …. when you come to pay the bill ask that it is taken off the account or alternatively when they apologise say sweetly “that’s all right as I know you will not be charging me for this”. If it is charged don’t go there again. I never went back to O’Connell St Bistro after an unfortunate creme brûlée incident. Helen

If you are in a car accident and not physically damaged and it is your fault do apologise. Also get the person’s details, take a photo of the scene and the car’s number plate. Don’t admit fault though as sometimes, on further investigation it may be the other person’s fault (as recently discovered by Perry Mason aka Poppa John - don’t provide the dashcam if your lights weren’t on). Helen

To remove a bit of stain on white fabric (could you believe this person made quite a few) wipe a bit of bleach over the top before washing. This is a hot tip from Donna the nanny which has saved many an item.

For coloured items try squirting with Vanish stain spray every time you walk past for a few days. AJ

Baking soda is a go-to ingredient for cleaning a burnt pot. The best method involves first boiling vinegar for about 5 minutes. Then take the pot off of the heat and add about 2 tablespoons of baking soda. The mixture will fizz, loosening the stubborn charred bits off of the bottom of the pan. Another suggestion is to soak over-night with a crumpled dish washing tablet crushed through the water. Helen